Employment help guide. (Pt.1)

Landing a job in todays economy is not easy!

Its 2009, you lost your job over 4 months ago because the factory or company youve been working for has shut down, cut back hours, and laid off many employees, maybe your company went bankrupt! What will you do? We have researched sound solutions through trial and error, and have outlined herein a plan that will have you working in no time!

So you put on your finest suit, revamped your resume, whitened your teeth, splashed on your most favourable cologne, and beat the pavement seeking full employment to no avail! Here are some simple yet frusterating examples of why you have yet to be hired:

1.You are competing against scholars with P.H.D's, and Masters degrees for management positions at Arby's. Or you are a doctor/ivy leager, competing agaisnt "Aliens" for top jobs in the U.S.
2.You are a legal citizen of the United States of America.
3.Instead of attending college, you stayed at home with your parents working for your "family business", drinking paint thinner and lighting your farts on fire in their basement.
4.Instead of attending high school, you did much the same as above stated, minus working.
5.When you went for your G.E.D. test you failed to realize you needed to know how to read/write.(Dont worry, there are ways around this)
6.National unemployment has topped 10%.
7."Keeping it gangsta" did nothing but give future employers something entertaining to do when they ran a background check.
8.It is against your religion to bathe.
9.The last job you worked as a pizza delivery person, your trailer home fell off the hitch on your truck, it smashed into a police car, you were uninsured, and NEVER had a license.
10.Your just a victim of circumstance.


Ok, so by now youve realized that filing for unemployment because your hookers stopped paying you, wont cut it, and your stash of crack is running out, because you are immune to caffeine. Lucky for you we have a solution! For 10 easy payments of NOTHING, except motivation, trust, and willingness to go the extra mile, your goals will be met.

Having troubles writing your resume? Dont let the stress and distractions of todays economic crises deter you from having a solid, cover letter/work history.

Here is an example of a resume you should NOT submit:

Originally Posted: Tue, 2 Dec 22:34 CST (Copyright 2009 Craigslist)

"Fine, Don't Fucking Hire Me, You Can't Handle My Shit

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Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

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What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times.
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

**********


remember.....anything. "

This outline will come in seperate parts, it took us a very long time to compile all the statistical data, and research the ins and outs of seeking employment. Become a loyal follower of The Council and our blog to keep updated on this topic as well as many other crucial issues.

Coming soon
Part 2 "Employment help guide(Pt.2):What not to say/do during your interview"